midweek muster: 15th Oct

+ when two opportunities collide

+ the opportunities we’ve missed

+ will we make it? or will I keep feeling that I’m not enough?

+ one month to go, then what?

❝ When someone’s been gone a long time, at first you save up all the things you want to tell them. You try to keep track of everything in your head. But it’s like trying to hold on to a fistful of sand: all the little bits slip out of your hands, and then you’re just clutching air and grit. That’s why you can’t save it all up like that. Because by the time you finally see each other, you’re catching up on the big things, because it’s too much bother to tell about the little things. But the little things are what make up life. ❞
—— To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before #1 (Jenny Han)

❝ You’ve made it to the age
of intoxicated
freedom and what most consider
the start of adulthood.

you’re still alive.

“Deceased at the age of 18”
you always thought the papers
would print this title off after the day
of your 18th birthday, but now
you’re 21 and there isn’t enough
ink in this world to help you feel
at ease with the fact that you
are still growing up, still fighting.

They ask you if you feel different,
older, more mature and experienced
with the ways of the world.
You shrug, say you don’t know
and take another shot.
You make your way to the bars
bathroom, and now here you
are, facing yourself and the years
that you pushed through
before you. You wonder if you
have changed. You touch
your skin and your face but
nothing seems to have changed
overnight as everyone
thinks it has. You are still
who you were when you turned
18, but the only thing that is
different is what everyone
can’t see; everything
that is inside of you. ❞
—— "Self-reflection at 21," - Colleen Brown

midweek muster: 8th Oct

+ Regression 

+ Stress

+ We don’t know where we’re going, do we

+ Tuesday: Food specials all around 

+ I am learning how to listen alittle better 

+ It has been awhile since I have been inspired like this 

+ We’ll make it, eventually. 

midweek muster: 1st Oct

+ I must remember that good days can follow bad ones

+ October? Where has this year gone? 

+ Precedent, precedent, precedent 

+ The finality of it all. 

+ Last pols essay

❝ It’s taboo to admit that you’re lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven’t left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. Ha ha, funny. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.

A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn’t transition well to adult life, that you’d fall right through the cracks. And look at you now. La di da, it’s happening.

Your mother, your father, your grandparents: they all look at you like you’re some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. “Getting old ain’t for sissies,” your father tells you wearily.

You wish they’d stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you’re not taking advantage of your youth.

You want to kiss all kinds of different people, you want to wake up in a stranger’s bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing, you want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a bonafide family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room and have a nice job that doesn’t get in the way of living your life too much. You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if you’re closed off now, you can only imagine what you’ll be like later.

Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you’re starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They’re the ones that are holding your twenties hostage.

Stop thinking that everyone is having more sex than you, that everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it’s not true (it might be!) but because that kind of thinking leaves you frozen. You’ve already spent enough time feeling like you’re stuck, like you’re watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you’re unable to hold on to anything.

I don’t know if you ever get better. I don’t know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life. I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that people get better each and every day but that’s not really true. People get worse and it’s their stories that end up getting forgotten because we can’t stand an unhappy ending. The sick have to get better. Our normalcy depends upon it.

You have to value yourself. You have to want great things for your life. This sort of shit doesn’t happen overnight but it can and will happen if you want it.

Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?

We shall see.

midweekmuster: 24th September

+ stop thinking in definite terms

+ "money is important, but it isn’t everything" … but it sure feels like it is

+ procrastination has been particularly bad, a few late nights up ahead

+ hello old friend from across the sea! 

+ greek yoghurt 

+ abandonment issues

midweekmuster: 21st September

+ I’m sorry I’m late. 

+ three days of nothing, of this is what we could be, this is our potential

+ jealousy? or motivation?

+ look at all the work I have not completed

+ procrastination; what else is new

+ you don’t see people for days, weeks, months. who’s counting?



Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened every day and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breath in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.

I happened to check this when it reached exactly 400,000 notes. I remember writing this two years ago when I had about 10 minutes before I had to get out the door. I remember the feeling, exactly. And the weight of those moments that I didn’t see a way out of. I had to write something down just to feel a little less anxious and a little more sane before I left home for the world that day. I hesitated to even post this because it just seemed like a rant or a journal entry. I certainly didn’t see it as a polished piece of writing, but it didn’t need to be. I’ve received so many messages about this piece all along the lines of someone feeling less alone or being relieved to know that someone else was in the same place they were. At 25, I still find myself in moments like these. When it happens, I often think of those messages and it eases that certain kind of panic a little. So, 400,000 notes later, I want to thank you all for helping me feel less alone. For your support and encouragement and kindness. You’ve made the world a little brighter. 

❝ In our culture, many of us idealize love. We see it as some lofty cure-all for all of life’s problems. Our movies and our stories and our history all celebrate it as life’s ultimate goal, the final solution for all of our pain and struggle. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, our relationships pay a price.

When we believe that “all we need is love,” then like Lennon, we’re more likely to ignore fundamental values such as respect, humility and commitment towards the people we care about. After all, if love solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff — all of the hard stuff?

But if, like Reznor, we believe that “love is not enough,” then we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotion or lofty passions. We understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values. ❞